I have no solid beliefs everything will be okay.
I have lost faith.
I’m living in a limbo like state of my mind. I have tried to ‘reach out ‘ the feeling that gives me is bad , never okay or good. Is a sinkin feeling that says to me ” why did you say that” people ask how is your day because its pre programmed or something because i’ve yet to meet someone who genuinely would like to fucking know about your day. So why the fuck would someone care about my traumas ?
Why do humans have to feel so neglected and scared that they must call a hotline … might as well call the police on myself, that will solve it all. When I leave jail or the psych all of my problems would have been zapped away. right ? Wrong
Your body now has to detox those nasty meds, embarrassingly call everyone to tell them where you were at n why. They tell you ” aww dont kill yourself ” or things like ” why would you want to leave all of this behind ” and ” you just need to do more ” despite the long in detail heartfelt conversation you just had with your entire friends and family list ( could be 3 ) about how you have been feeling and why you decided to try .
Thinking theres was a little hope for tha being your chance at being understood. SCREWED you ended up .
Even more depressed than yesterday or the three months before that. Why?. Because your family now treats you like you are crazy , they let you push yourself away , you lost your friends when they gossiped about you and your death wish and didnt visit you in your time of need and support .
You thought people would try to be nicer .
You thought reaching out would help figure out that debt.
Thinking anything is possible with a little faith … its not hard to know that is true .. what these people need to know is that when you want to kill yourself… when you are just so ready to go dont look for faith just fucking do it. No one fucking cares if we live or we dont .
You are not lucky you made it out of the hospital. You are miserable.. no one understands still. Everything is worse.
If you are reading thia and you know someone who wants to die .. dont be a senseless generic asahole and have some sympathy for those ahom have no one to reach out too… you dont know when you can be that little light of faith aomeone needs to keep going .. at least a little further in life.